"Happy Feast of St. Tryptophan to all!"
Shane/Alastair
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A Politically Correct Thanksgiving Report
I heard about a little fourth-grader who stood up to give a report concerning the origins of the Thanksgiving holiday. Here's how he began:
The pilgrims came here seeking
freedom of you know what.
When they landed, they gave
thanks to you know who.
Because of them, we can worship
each Sunday, you know where.
Your Thanksgiving Forecast:
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high
near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook,
be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice
through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates.
Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates
slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area,
with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the
turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in
the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will
be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50
percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend
where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the
only wish left will be the bone.
THE TWELVE DAYS of THANKSGIVING
(or what seems like years)
On the First Day.....
We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.
On the Second Day.....
We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.
On the Third Day.....
We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.
On the Fourth Day.....
We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be
celebrating Thanksgiving until April.
On the Fifth Day.....
We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of naked turkey
carcass.
On the Sixth Day.....
We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the
turkey and calls it Oriental.
On the Seventh Day.....
We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.
On the Eighth Day.....
The word ''vegetarian'
On the Ninth Day.....
We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.
On the Tenth Day.....
We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.
On the Eleventh Day.....
We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.
On the Twelfth Day.....
We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers.
And everybody says Amen.
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